So here's the good news: my darling husband has gone to bed, I have ants in my pants, I need a break from working on the book, and I'm updating this blog.
Here’s the bad news: my adorable best friend came over tonight to watch The Hills, and I’ve had too much wine. Therefore I must ask you, dear reader, to ignore spelling mistakes and grammar errors and just enjoy this update.
When we last left our hapless hero Everyboy, he had just witnessed a meeting of all the witches in England. It was grotesque and horrifying, and we were all squirming in our seats. Let’s rejoin him behind his screen in the conference room full of toeless witches. ***shudder***
The Grand High Witch Of All The World (TGHWOATW or TGHW) makes an announcement. She has given a sweet with Formula 86 Delayed Action Mousemaker (f86DAMM) to a young boy in the lobby and, for the first time, I wonder: What happened to the other 87 versions? Did it just add a tail to the affected child, causing him to eventually be a guest star on Nip/Tuck? Did the poor child just squeak forever, instead of being able to actually speak? These questions are never answered. Instead the insignificant fat child is brought into play. Apparently, his name is Bruno Jenkins, and the GHWOATW gave him an infected chocolate bar yesterday. Under the promise of more to come, he’s agreed to meet her this afternoon. Apparently he does not know about Stranger Danger. Bruno comes into the room, asks for his chocolate bars, and turns into a mouse. Yeah, he turns into a mouse in front of a roomful of witches. Urgh. Apparently it’s very painful, too, because there’s a lot of shrieking. Unfortunately for the witches (and for the reader too, but we’ll find this out later) Bruno runs away before they can pull out the mouse traps.
TGHWOATW is really excited after Bruno turns into a mouse, so she makes a speech at her podium before all the witches rise to leave the room. Unfortunately for Everyboy, this is the point where one of the witches in the back row smells… you got it, dog’s droppings. OHSHIT. 26 is to old to be a child, right? If it’s not, I’m never bathing again, which means my darling, sweet-smelling husband probably won’t like me very much. It’s cool, though. I mean, I don’t want to be a mouse. The witches quickly find Everyboy, and despite his efforts to escape, he’s brought up to the podium.
TGHWOATH forces F86DAMM down his throat, and there is a detailed description of how much it hurts to turn into a mouse. Mom, I know you read this blog. Why in the HELL did you let me read this book when I was six? It’s horrifying. As soon as Everyboy turns into a mouse, TGHWOATW calls for a mousetrap. Everyboy is not waiting around for that crap, so he runs away, and another flaw in TGHWOATW’s plan comes to light. Everyboy still thinks like a normal child. The witches aren’t stressed though, so the peace out to the Sunshine Terrace for drinks with the manager.
Everyboy finds Bruno and they scurry upstairs to Grandmama’s room. There’s an unnecessary description of Bruno obsessing over a sandwich and several bananas, but I’m choosing to skip that because I feel that Americans are too obsessed with food and weight issues.
Fortunately for Everyboy, he still has his regular voice, so he is able to call for his Grandmama. She opens the door and lets Everyboy and Bruno into her room, and is distressed for about five seconds about the fact that her grandson is now a mouse. HER GRANDSON IS NOW A MOUSE. Sorry, but I’d be pissed for a little longer than that. Everyboy explains the events of the previous chapters, and Grandmama is perversely excited that TGHWOATW is in their hotel. I’d pack my stuff and book it, but Everyboy and Grandmama come up with a scheme: Everyboy’s room is, conveniently, right above TGHWOATW’s room, and he’s going in. Grandmama lets him down in a roll of knitting, and he scurries through TGHWOATW’s balcony to her room. He can’t find the F86DAMM very quickly but, being a secret genius, he thinks to check between the mattress and boxspring. He finds not only the mouse maker, but a few toads that he’s pretty sure used to be kids. I have to run away and hide in the bathroom for awhile, but when I come back, TGHWOATW returns with the old witches who would not be able to make the formula on their on. Oh heavens, I am so sure this blog sucks right now. Remind me not to drunkblog, k? Anyway, after promises the poor kidfrogs that she’ll throw them from the balcony in a few minutes, TGHWOATW doles out the mousemaker to the old witches and sends them merrily on their way. Everyboy scurries out of the room along with the old lady witches and books it upstairs to Grandmama. He has managed to procure one bottle of F86DAMM.
Whoops, that was two chapters.
Anymousekids, Gradmama decides that it’s time to return Bruno to the bosom of his family. She heads down to the lounge where they were last seen and proceeds to try to explain to them that their son is now a mouse. Understandably, they freak and don’t believe her. Mr. Jenkins is kind of an asshole, and Grandmama and the two kidmice return to her room to plot.
While Bruno eats a lot, Grandmama and Everyboy make a plan to save the world. Grandmama will take her mice down to dinner and Everyboy will spike the witches’ food with F86DAMM. Then, all the witches in England will turn into mice. Word. Grandmama reminds Everyboy that he now has a tail, which he can use to swing around, and they head down to the dining room.
Once they get there Everyboy peaces out and heads to the kitchen, where nasty things happen. First, a waiter brings in a plate of food that someone complained about. The cook slaps another piece of meat onto it, then everyone in the kitchen spits on it. This is disgusting but true, and here is another Marve story of the style that I’m sure y’all constantly crave.
I used to work in this restaurant in my hometown, which was fine dining and a wine bar. It was a very classy establishment, but the owner was a jerk in the highest extreme. He also had, um, sphincter problems. I mean, we’re talking one time he pooped his pants at Lowe’s and tried to flush his underwear down the toilet problems. Seriously, nasty man. Anypoopypants, one day I brought in a steak that a woman complained was underdone. He recooked the thing, then stuck him hand down the back of his pants, and wiped it on the steak. I refused to take it out, so he sent out one of the cooks. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I never, EVER do anything that could possibly piss off anyone who handles my food, and that includes my darling husband and my wonderful mother. It’s just not worth it.
Anydisturbingstory, Everyboy overhears that the witches are all having the soup for their first course, and he darts around the kitchen to pour the F86DAMM into their soup. Sweet. Unfortunately, he gets caught up in his excitement and is caught. The cooks all start freaking out and trying to stomp on him, and he runs up one of the cook’s pants in an attempt to escape. And Richard Gere. He somehow manages to escape into a sack of potatoes, then runs to his Grandmama’s table.
He is just in time to see Bruno’s dad come striding up to give Grandmama hell. She pulls Bruno out of his purse, his dad freaks out, and the main issue is that they have a pet cat, which Bruno’s mother loves. Um, lady? This is your kid. Slightly more important than a cat. Mr. Jenkins threatens to sue Grandmama, who looks at him incredulously.
Then all the witches turn into mice. Yeah, that’s the whole chapter. It’s disturbing. Grandmama and Everyboy peace out and head back to Norway.
When they get back, Everyboy and Grandmama are very happy. She builds all kinds of mouse-runs so that Everyboy can turn on lights, cook food, open the refrigerator, etc. Grandmama is a secret mechanical genius, apparently. Eventually they get into a conversation about how long mice live. Apparently Everyboy doesn’t have long to go, but neither does Grandmama, so he’s cool with that. She kisses his nose a lot.
Anypervert, in the next chapter they discuss whether the other witches in the world will disappear once TGHWOATW is known to be dead. Grandmama has an inkling that they won’t. She says TGHWOATW is like the Queen Bee in a hive. There’s always someone waiting to take her place. Creepy. Everyboy and Grandmama make a plan. They’re going to go to TGHWOATW’s house and turn everybody in it into mice. Once that’s accomplished, they’ll send in cats to kill the mousewitches. Inside the house, they’re sure they’ll find the names and addresses of EVERY WITCH IN THE WORLD. They’ll then spend their time hunting these awful women down and turning them, one by one, into mice. I am so glad I have Grandmama and Everyboy on my side. Talk about pimp. Grandmama smashes a few vases and kisses Everyboymouse a few times, and we have
Oh heavens. I should not have written this blog tonight. Don’t judge me. LC made me do it.